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Things My Mom Taught Me

My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM.
"I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too!"

My Mom taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."

My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My Mom taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mom taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My Mom taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about!"

My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Mom taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mom taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS.
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My Mom taught me about WEATHER.
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room!"