Crazy in Love

By Percy Allen

Reportedly Essence, settling into a green suede sofa in the living room of their $5 million estate in Bellevue, Washington, basketball star Doug Christie reaches for his wife Jackie's hand, and their fingers instinctively interlock. As the couple discuss their upcoming reality series, Committed: The Christies, which premiered last month on BETJ, they rarely stop touching, sitting so close it's as if they're joined at the hip. It's a vision of marital unity you'd expect to find in the home of a woman who's known throughout the sports world for never leaving her husband's side.

From Jackie's habit of flying with Doug's team to away games, to the special hand signals Doug flashes her as many as 60 times during a game, the Christies' relationship is ripe for ridicule in an industry where infidelity is the norm. Jackie's behavior is so extreme, says an industry insider, that some folks just call her crazy. "She has the reputation of being obsessive and overbearing," says one sports broadcaster. "And she's made her husband a bit of a pariah in NBA circles because you know if you trade for Doug Christie, his wife comes along as part of the package."

The public discovered just how tight the two are during an October 2002 preseason game, when Jackie, wildly swinging her handbag, ran into the middle of an off-court fight involving Doug and Los Angeles Lakers forward Rick Fox. Almost immediately the Christies' relationship became fodder for sports shows and late-night comedians. But what kept tongues wagging wasn't simply Jackie's willingness to brawl for her man, but also the iron-fisted control she seems to exert over him. "I trust Doug," she insists. "I just don't trust other women."

Six years ago when her husband was playing for the Toronto Raptors (he's currently a free agent, rehabbing an ankle injury), Jackie, allegedly, was uncomfortable that female employees would enter the locker room after games, so Doug began dressing in an adjacent room. The 6-foot 6-inch swingman is so reluctant to fraternize with the opposite sex that, by his own admission, he rarely makes eye contact with females. Meanwhile, his wife made headlines for screaming at a female fan who asked her husband for a kiss. Their conduct has even landed the couple in court. In 2003, when Doug played for the Sacramento Kings, the Christies were named in a lawsuit filed by the team's female PR person, Stephanie Shepard, who claimed she was unable to do her job because the couple is adamant about Doug's limiting his contact with women when Jackie isn't with him.

For Jackie, who remarries her husband every year in a full-length wedding ceremony with guests and cakes, Committed is an opportunity to show detractors just how great things really are. "We don't do anything we're ashamed of," Jackie adds with a smile. "I'm devoted and dedicated to my family and Doug's career. I want to be everything to him, for him and about him. I want to be his queen and he's my king. And it's beautiful." "They've said so much about us," Doug adds with a shrug, his shoulder pressed tight against his wife's. "But nothing really bothers me. Being called whipped or soft and henpecked and all of that stuff, it only bothers me when it hurts my wife's feelings. Ultimately, I'm not afraid for my wife to be a strong Black woman."

How to Be More Confident

By: Nazenet Habtezghi, Essence

Go from fainthearted to fearless--or at least look like you have--with these tips

Not as bold as you'd like to be? Not a problem. With these subtle but effective strategies, you can appear more self-assured in nearly any situation.

At the Gym
Confidence Crusher: After months of saying you're going to, you finally join a fitness club. But the chiseled gym junkies you see on your first visit leave you too embarrassed about your own body to even show up again.

The Cure: Treat yourself to some sleek fitness wear. "When you put on flattering clothes, you feel good about yourself. This helps build and maintain your confidence to keep you going at the gym," says Rana Walker, a mental health therapist and founder of Diamond Cutter, a wellness coaching company in Philadelphia. You'll look good and, most important, show up and get closer to your fitness goals.

In the Club
Confidence Crusher: You spot a cute brother at the bar you would love to talk to--if he'd step to you. While you watch and wait for him to make the first move, some other sister pulls him onto the dance floor.

The Cure: "If you're too shy to introduce yourself, at least make yourself approachable," suggests Sophfronia Scott, life coach and contributing writer to Chicken Soup for the African American Woman's Soul (Health Communications). No matter how nervous you are, you can project a warm, radiant smile in his direction when he looks your way. "When you smile, it relaxes you, plus it helps you feel more attractive and confident," Scott explains. "It creates a glow that emanates from you. Men see that as a signal that you're not going to reject them."

In the Bedroom
Confidence Crusher: Your man thinks you've turned off the lights to set the mood, but little does he know, you're actually trying to hide your ample curves in the dark.

The Cure: Before you start flicking switches, spend some quality time exploring your body alone. Stand in front of a mirror and pick your best features. "This will help you love the skin you're in, a sexy trait your mate will appreciate as well," says Walker. Then figure out how to flaunt that favorite body part the next time you're with your beau. If it's your rear, for ex ample, put on a sexy thong with a killer pair of heels and saunter around your bedroom showing off your assets. Trust us, it'll raise more than just your confidence.

At the Office
Confidence Crusher: You want and deserve a raise, but you're just too timid to ask your boss for one.

The Cure: Be sure to do your homework "Lack of experience or information are the main causes of low confidence," says Scott. So first gather all the info you need to plead your case for a promotion. Try creating a detailed outline of the reasons why you're due a raise or job advancement. Then practice, practice, practice what you'll say. By rehearsing, you'll internalize the conversation so that you're comfortable when the time comes to talk to your boss face-to-face. Maintaining eye contact (instead of looking away) and a slight smile (instead of a blank stare) can also help you seem more self-assured.

If You Do Only One Thing…
Rehearse any jitter-inducing things you have to say. You'll internalize the conversation and be more comfortable when it's time to talk.

Presenting Your Talk

For Business and Professional Speakers

The big day has come. You're ready to deliver your talk. But there are still a few final things to do before you face your audience, such as arriving early so you can check out the logistics of the room in which you'll be speaking.

Check the Equipment
Learn how to turn the microphone off and on, and how to remove it from the stand. Practice talking into it and walking without tangling the cord around your feet. Audio/Visual Equipment: Whether it's an overhead projector, slide projector, or a VCR, make sure the equipment is in working order, and you know how to use it. Inspect your slides, transparencies or videotapes. Are they in the right sequence? Are they in good shape? Easel or chalkboard: Do you have lots of appropriate writing materials? Appropriate markers and erasers for a chalkboard, extra paper and markers for an easel? Can you write some of your information beforehand to save time during your presentation?

Connect with the organizer or emcee
Be clear about who will introduce you, and where you'll be. (The best scenario is to walk on from the wings!) If it's a banquet, check that you will have a clear path to the mike. No tripping over wires, chairs, or diners. Hand the emcee your pre-written introduction, and be sure he or she can pronounce your name correctly. Have it written in 18 - 20 point type, so it is easy to read, and instructions such as "pause before continuing."

Overcome stage fright
If the butterflies in your stomach are taking some of the joy out of the occasion, here is what the professionals do. Find a private place to warm up by relaxing your body and face.

• Stand on one leg and shake the other. When you put your foot back on the ground, it's going to feel lighter. Now, switch legs and shake again. It's a technique that actors use.

• Shake your hands … fast. Hold them above your head, bending at the wrist and elbow, and lower them. This will make your hand movements more natural.

• Relax your face muscles by chewing in a highly exaggerated way. Do shoulder and neck rolls.

Give your speech
Remember that the audience is really on your side. That's the good news. People are giving you their time, and they want you to be good. They'll stay on your side for about 30 seconds. You have about that much time to keep them on your side for the rest of your speech. How do you do that?

Look the part. Your first impression is hard to overcome. Looking professional adds to your credibility and that of your business.
Act naturally. "What an actor has to do is be personal in public," said acting coach Lee Strasberg. Being on a stage makes you a little larger than life, but you also need to be personal in public. That's what all those warm up exercises are about - to help you feel natural and act naturally.
Don't tell what you can show. I learned this from Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Norris learned it from his friend, the late Steve McQueen, who advised him, "Say the last word in the scene, and don't say anything you don't have to." Audiences don't go to hear what Norris or Van Damme say. They go to see what they do.
Choose your emphasis. Examine each word in your speech, looking for the emotion. Each word is not equally important. The audience will get your message based on the inflection and emphasis you place on key words and phrases.
Move about if you can. I urge you not to stand behind the lectern throughout your entire talk. It puts a barrier between you and the audience. However, if you feel more secure standing behind the lectern, never, never lean on it.
Vary your intensity. You're new to speaking, and you're not an actor, but you can add excitement to your talk just the same. The enemy of the speaker is sameness. Stand, move, be serious, and be funny, talk loudly, talk softly, don't speak in black and white. Speak in Technicolor®!
Dealing with your audience
The one-face myth: Have you ever heard that you should look at one friendly person in the audience? If you do, I promise you that person will ask you out to dinner because they think you're trying to pick them up. Do NOT look at one person. Give each segment of the audience equal time and eye contact, as in pieces of a pie.

Dealing with distractions
During a speech I delivered in Australia, where they have more mobile phones than in the U.S., one man accepted three phone calls. Professional and novice speakers all face distractions during their talks. Eliminate as many as you can. When they do occur, ignore them, or incorporate them into your talk. That talk in Australia was before 2000 people, and I chose to ignore the man talking on the phone. I walked to the opposite side of the stage, away from the caller, bringing the audience's attention. Remember that the eye follows movement. I worked the crowd from there until he hung up.

Incorporating the distraction into your talk can be tricky, and it will be different every time. A woman asked my advice about a talk she gave while an important football game was in progress. Members of her audience kept slipping out of the meeting room to get a glimpse of it in the hotel bar. I suggested she acknowledge a similar future distraction by saying something like, "If I didn't have to work here tonight, I'd probably be watching the game. If you don't need the information I'm offering, you can leave with my blessing. But for the benefit of those who stay, please don't disrupt by coming back." By acknowledging the situation and graciously allowing people to leave, you have the rest of the audience on your side.

Timing
Keep yourself on schedule by keeping a small travel-style clock set on the lectern, or a clearly visible wall clock in the room. The audience should never be aware that you're doing this. Don't be surprised if the meeting is running late. Ask the program chair if he or she would like you to cut a few minutes out of your talk to get the event back on schedule. It's not as difficult as you think. Don't sacrifice your strong opening or dramatic closing. Instead, hit the highlights of your talk, dropping some of the supporting stories or anecdotes.

If, on the other hand, the program chair asks you to stretch out your talk:

• Always have an extra chunk of material prepared. Perhaps a slightly longer version of a key story or extra supportive stories for each point. When a format is suitable, such as round-table seating, you can invite group discussions on a major point.

• If you're teaching a skill, invite someone in the audience to role-play it with you.

• Ask audience members to share their personal experiences that relate to your topic. When I do this, I ask, "What did you learn from this experience that you can use in your business?" I offer small prizes to those who speak up; for example, a cassette tape of one of my speeches. This guarantees others in the audience will participate more freely.

Promoting your Business
If you're like me, the point of speaking is to increase awareness of your business and expand your client base. Over the years, I've learned a great deal about marketing myself. Here are some techniques that will serve you well.

Handouts: Develop a page detailing your key points. Or, if you've had an article published, make copies for the audience members. Make sure the handout includes your name, address and telephone number. You might also include an order blank for your product or service printed on the back.

Door prizes: You can offer a door prize (this can be a product you sell or certificate for service - a free evaluation of financial status, etc.) Ask everyone to drop their business cards in a box from which you or the program chair will draw the winner or winners at the end of your talk.

Business Cards: If your goal is to develop business contacts, always collect business cards from the audience members. You can offer to send additional information, articles or tip sheets to them.

Making a Job of it
Most of you will be honing your speaking skills as a tool for advancing your business. A few of you may discover you're so good at getting your message across to groups that you're considering doing it full time, perhaps as a spokesperson for your industry or profession. If so, here's some Fripp advice. Even if you'd never consider professional speaking, many of these tips apply to starting any new business. You bring the same qualities to speaking that you have used in your other business affairs. If you have never been even remotely successful before, you aren't going to be now. My overnight success took 19 years of gradual, constant growth. I worked all the time to get ready for the opportunities that came. You don't get the opportunities first and then do the work, thinking, "I will become CEO, and then I'll learn the business …"

You can't make it as a speaker on your looks or the power of your personality, not even on your speaking skills. Audiences expect you to have original material or, at the very least, an original slant on your material. Can anyone else say it? Does anyone else say it? If so, don't say it.

As you grow and develop, new material will too. Start with one good speech that people really want to hear rather than 16 indifferent speeches. Once you have this speech, work on adapting and expanding it, ultimately turning it into a seminar. Then go for speech #2.

Socializing: Go early, go to the cocktail party or reception, walk around and look at the exhibits at a conference, talk to and learn about your audience. You have to be social. You have to be nice. I'm clear with myself and the organizers that I will go to a social event the night before, such as a dinner with the board of directors and their spouses. However, I draw the line at parties at an off-site location 10 miles away with country-western dancing where my presence won't make any difference.

Diversifying: Never have all your eggs in one basket. A speaker friend gave a presentation about how he had lost 96 speaking engagements in two days. He had three clients that each booked more than 30 dates. Then all three had business reversals. Another speaker was thrilled that 70 percent of his business came from IBM. Guess what happened when IBM eliminated all outside contractors?

Free speech: There is no such thing as a free speech. There are just speeches that you don't get paid for directly. Even at this stage in my career, I still do "targeted showcases" for meeting industry groups as part of my overall marketing strategy. I don't expect anything to come of them, but it's amazing how often they produce future business.

My early clients didn't realize that my "free speeches" cost me about $130 each for preparation, travel, and lost time at my salon. To get customers for my hairstyling salon, I spoke for civic and community organizations. I told them stories about customer service and funny things that had happened in my salon. At the end of my presentation, I'd put their business cards in a hat and pull out one for a free hairstyling. These cards quickly built my mailing list.

Negotiating: If there's an organization that can't pay, but you really want to speak for them, remember these magic words: "What else can you give me?"

Just Do It!
Speaking before a group of strangers can be intimidating. Just keep focused on the positive impact the presentation will have on your business reputation and your bottom line.

Don't expect to be a magnificent speaker the first time out. Your goal is to present the most valuable information possible to the members of the audience. Think of it as the beginning of many long-term relationships.

Go on! Step up on the podium and profit from the experience!

By Patricia Fripp, CSP, CPAE